Take me on faith, like math

One time for all feelings/ sensations that wont fit into pictures, sounds, numbers, words or memory. But somehow need them to express, to relate, to survive in this place. One time for trying so hard to be understood by others, for holding great dichotomies in order to survive, to be liked, to be loved, to protect others from pain, to be safe.

One time for trying to learn math facts how they told me I should learn them. And for feeling dumb because I couldn't. For assuming it was my ineptitude that made fractions, or times tables, nearly impossible to learn. For having to come up with strategies and manipulations so as to not be punished, because I couldn't do something a way an authority thought I should. I could be cute... One time for being punished for being too slow in timed, times tables exercises, by teachers who didn't know how to support new ways of learning 'the facts'. For having panic attacks as a 2nd grader over papers with lines drawn on them, photocopied, in classrooms while the others were at recess
One time for the ways parents, the ways teachers tried, even though they were tired, holding their own big questions, and didn't know what to do.
Maybe somehow they came out of their roles long enough to dream up a new possibility in collaboration with more than they themselves could see. An amazing feat.
(Maybe they didn't even have to leave the role to do so?)
One time for all the kids who didn't know adults were just making it up as they went along; who were told they had to trust them, even when the kid could feel the mixed messages, the fear of feeling their own ineptitude. One time for running away as a 15 year old, because maybe it was the only way to feel my own feelings on my own terms. To see the facts. One time for the kind, confused and willing older kid who received me when I ran. One time for seeing the facts and using drugs, or eating disorders, or sex with strangers as support in that seeing.
And one time for kids, like me, who work hard to make up their own math, spin by spin, and come up with new maps for how to live feeling as truth. One time for failing at that.
And another time for us.
gratidão

Maybe I'm from Venus, and we just do it differently there.
She's pictured above with our similar hair. and this other pic of her shows the shape she makes in space over time

#downfromabove #prexistinggoldcondition  #venus